Struggling

My thoughts are playing really hard lately. The negative demon is talking then I receive the guilt trip from the husband and I just try to keep going forward.  I madenit to the gym and ran which always calms my mind only to return home to more what about me.  The minute I suggest come with me on our walk the only sound is silence.  I just try to look at this number on my heart rate today and try to break through my negative thoughts with what I REALLY WANT.  at this moment I'd like to drown my feelings into a greedy cheeseburger which I know will hurt my physically.  Why do I do that?

The other thing weighing heavy on my is that my team mates are way closer to one another and I never see them because of my work schedule and commitments.  I am so jealous and feel as if I am the odd strange one that no one likes. 

I am so angry at myself and frustrated that I can't communicate well with others.  I refuse to fake my personality in hopes of making it liked by others.

I so badly want one persons support and approval and I am doubting if that will ever happen.  I'm tired.

Good thing no one visits this blog.

2/12/2015

Those Days

This past week has not been my best.

I am finding it very difficult to open up and feel comfortable around others.  I have this reoccurring act of walking into a conversation that I was not meant to be a part of and interrupting, desperately trying to push myself beyond those scared limits and interact with others.  I have been raised to keep everything inside and if something is bothering you hide it because that is week.  So I hide it and I hide it very well.  I struggle with talking to new people for fear I will scare them away or say the wrong thing.  

When I go through these wonderful delights of negative thinking sometimes it is easy to roll through but this bout was quite a doozy.  I struggle with who I am and being comfortable expressing that person.  Sometimes it is easier to hide and hibernate.  I know that my health is the key to my success and my happiness.  I want to open up to others but at the same time feel comfortable being me.

My normal attack when I hit these days is to binge on all bad foods, drinks, sleep and self loathing.  However, I noticed that this time I did not fall deep into that hole.  I still made it to Zumba & Yoga and I fought my anger the entire time through Zumba and partial through Yoga.  Yet, no matter how hard I tried to hold on to that self anger I realized mid way through Yoga that I was calm and ok and thought why did I resist so bad.  I stopped doing my 4:30 am 1/2 hour workouts in the morning and I regretted it every day.  I managed to get in something every day, gym, run, water aerobics but I found I was concentrating on what I didn't do rather than what I had accomplished.

I am very thankful for trainers that play my favorite song, husband that cooks me a dinner while I go to the gym, a neighbor to add me to their family gym plan and let me copy a new exercise DVDs program to do in my early am workouts.

I am doing and I am going to get there.  Nampa Fit Studio has given me such a huge gift and I want to repay them back by taking back my life and living strong just as they can see it within me.  Thank you for your belief in me.

At times it is quite difficult to just stay in the moment instead of dwelling on that mountain climb ahead.  I know if I just let go that the journey will unfold into an amazing life I know there is to be lived.

Week 1 ~ January 11, 2014

Our first team meeting was last Sunday, January 11, 2015 (5pm - 7pm).   Pictures, measurements, workout and lecture.

First, the workout kicked my ass.  Easy enough movements but hold, push, squeeze longer than I normally ever would exhausted some muscles.  Concentrating on breathing correctly, landing softly, holding that plank or squat, 2 more push-ups on my toes.   So, it was not a failure just amazed on how far I can push my body and what it will do when I engage and breathe.  I left that night, scared,intimidated and a whole lot of anxiety.  Its kind of my theme.

We have lectures every week and it is here is everything now go fourth and prosper at all.  This week????

~ Write on your mirror  "GET OVER IT"

You will make mistakes, you will stumble and struggle but get over it and move on with the very next meal, workout etc..   Too often I dwell, and dwell hard and soon it turns well I just can't do it and let it all go to the way side.  Or worse I will binge on that food item until I am sick to my stomach and yep depressed and all those awesome negative hurtful words flood my consciousness and I can't get off the couch for a month.   NO MORE!


~ Make your Pre & Post workout meals work.  Within roughly 1 hour prior and after your workout eat to fuel your body properly where that workout is not wasted.   Examples to name a few.

             Before ~ EAT CARBS  (WHOOO HOOOO)..
                            * Whole Grains
                            *  Fruits
                            * Veggies

            After ~  EAT PROTEIN
                         * Protein Shake
                         * Lean Meat
                         * Nuts
                         * Peanut Butter


So, this week I vowed to do my best to eat those veggies and fruits and not waste my workouts.  I also leaned that my attitude and body like working out in the mornings.  I don't want to wake up but once moving I am a grooving.   I have woken up at 4:30 a.m. every week day for the last 2 weeks.  I am a grooving by 5 am.   I have my water with me but I have yet to find that nice balance of something to eat prior.  

The Good, Bad and the Ugly ~ January 10th, 2014.

Here we go.  January 10, 2015, I weighed in and officially begin my journey with the 2015 Nampa Fit Studio Weight-Loss Team.   Can you hear that?  No?  Listen again, turn off your radio, unplug your buds and listen.  Yep,  that is one loud, deep, exasperating sigh.   Wait.  Yep there it is again.  WHEW!

With a big gulp, swallow, sigh and of stable mind I bring you my official start stats.

1/10/2015 Initial Weigh In 201.6

Height 62" 1/4
Waist  38 in
Blood Pressure 141/94
Blood Glucose 89

I have no words, just emotions, tears and fear.   I am so grateful that I was chosen for this years team.  Last night we had our first team workout together.  We had our chest, arms, waist, and thigh measured, along with, before photos from every angle.  I want to see exactly how my body reacts to this journey and I went topless.  HA HA.. Well not literally, I didn't want to blind everyone with my ginger skin.  I had shorts and a sports bra on for the photos.  I was too scared to ask for photos for myself.  I am not sure I want that just yet.  This photo above is working its mojo right at the moment. 

Then it was time for out first 1 hr long team workout.  Oh My!  My teammates are ferocious and strong.  I have so much to gain from them and looking forward to them pushing me in the right direction.  I wore my heart rate monitor to gage how hard I was working.  Last night was from I was told going to be our one an only get out of jail free card as far as workout effort.  We were to stay around a 4 or 5 out of a max of 10.  I have such a hard time gaging that effort level but I know I did not need an EMT to restart my heart at any moment so I think I will survive another day.  I sweat and got my heart rate up to a max of 178.  Oh yes and SWEAT a lot.  My apologies to the individuals to my left and right for any weird odd odors.  

This will not be easy but it is good exhausting fun.  I had no clue I could do so many squats and then go lower and hold it for what seemed like forever where my legs were shaking involuntarily.  

So, next week..   We go to that 10 level and never look down at the 4 or 5.  So, this little fire-cracker is going to pull her big panties up and get-r-done.

Let It Go ~ January 7, 2015

I was going to start this with... this is in no way related to the song from Frozen.  I wanted to keep things simple and give this post a title because I really have a hard time letting things go and getting over it.   This has been ringing in my head since the article came out in the Idaho Statesman.

I am trying to be perfect.  I think if I screw up one micro aspect of anything at all then I will ultimately fail.  Last night I was reading parts of the book from Fit 2 Fat 2 Fit.  I started out with anger of how a personal trainer could see someone as lazy and if they do what they say then they will succeed.  I can do exactly what you say but I have emotions, habits, and that will power trap deeply ingrained in me.  I have that black or white thinking and I know it is IRRATIONAL.  Because I know what I should do, does not mean I do not need help.   Then to see him willing take on something so daring and literally walk through his clients shoes in every aspect was astounding.  What in the world would you want to do that?  For him he can say I have been there, done that and I empathize with you.  I can not fathom the strength it took to go through that entire process.

Let me back track a bit.   2 years ago I stumbled across this groupon for 6 weeks of free boot-camp class at a very small but personal gym.  I was so scared walking in the first day and when I did the few that were there in perfect, stage presence physique and chiseled bodies all turned and looked at me.  I wanted to run and run fast.  I really enjoyed the comrade of the other gals.  Every Tues, Thurs and Saturday, running through a circuit on weights, boxes, other devices.   I liked them so much I continued on after my groupon expired and paid $100.00 a month.  It's luster quickly died when they failed to follow through with tracking weight, measurements, meal plans and workouts.  It would be nothing for me to show up, wait 10 min for them to make up a workout.  Then they promptly would be on the phone, texting the entire time or better yet eating their scheduled meal right in front of us if they were paying any attention at all.   I complained and was told "Well its obvious you are not losing weight so why should I bother with you if you aren't going to put the effort in?"

So I am LETTING IT ALL GO...   I am very thankful for everyone taking a chance on me.


 BUT.....   I just read the lyrics in the song and dang it if I don't relate to some of it.   Go ahead an sing along if you like.   Let this journey begin......

"Let It Go"

The snow glows white on the mountain tonight

Not a footprint to be seen

A kingdom of isolation,

And it looks like I'm the queen.

The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside

Couldn't keep it in, heaven knows I tried!

Don't let them in, don't let them see

Be the good girl you always have to be

Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know

Well, now they know!

Let it go, let it go

Can't hold it back anymore

Let it go, let it go

Turn away and slam the door!

I don't care

What they're going to say

Let the storm rage on,

The cold never bothered me anyway!

It's funny how some distance

Makes everything seem small

And the fears that once controlled me

Can't get to me at all!

It's time to see what I can do

To test the limits and break through

No right, no wrong, no rules for me I'm free!

Let it go, let it go

I am one with the wind and sky

Let it go, let it go

You'll never see me cry!

Here I stand

And here I'll stay

Let the storm rage on!

My power flurries through the air into the ground

My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around

And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast

I'm never going back,

The past is in the past!

Let it go, let it go

And I'll rise like the break of dawn

Let it go, let it go

That perfect girl is gone!

Here I stand

In the light of day

Let the storm rage on,

The cold never bothered me anyway!

Local Celebrity ??? ~ January 3, 2015

New Year / New You

2015 Nampa Fit weight loss team is featured in this mornings Idaho Statesman's.  I don't think I have ever had my picture in the paper since my wedding photo in black and white over 20 years ago.  Now I am in color, RED and included with a feature article within the Living Healthy magazine insert highlighting our most incredible trainer(s) Kim Rose.

These are pictures of our first team meeting, courtesy of DARIN OSWALD (Idaho Statesman Newspaper).  Kim had informed us via our closed Facebook Page that she had been interviewed for an upcoming edition in the Idaho Statesman highlighting the St. Luke’s $10,000 Weight Loss Challenge and that a photographer just may happen to show up at our first team meeting.  So here begins our life in the public eye and getting actively involved with something bigger than just you and I.  This is where we begin giving back to the community, showing the treasure valley just what a gem Nampa Fit Studio truly is for us and how we can help pay it forward.