Struggling

My thoughts are playing really hard lately. The negative demon is talking then I receive the guilt trip from the husband and I just try to keep going forward.  I madenit to the gym and ran which always calms my mind only to return home to more what about me.  The minute I suggest come with me on our walk the only sound is silence.  I just try to look at this number on my heart rate today and try to break through my negative thoughts with what I REALLY WANT.  at this moment I'd like to drown my feelings into a greedy cheeseburger which I know will hurt my physically.  Why do I do that?

The other thing weighing heavy on my is that my team mates are way closer to one another and I never see them because of my work schedule and commitments.  I am so jealous and feel as if I am the odd strange one that no one likes. 

I am so angry at myself and frustrated that I can't communicate well with others.  I refuse to fake my personality in hopes of making it liked by others.

I so badly want one persons support and approval and I am doubting if that will ever happen.  I'm tired.

Good thing no one visits this blog.

2/12/2015

Those Days

This past week has not been my best.

I am finding it very difficult to open up and feel comfortable around others.  I have this reoccurring act of walking into a conversation that I was not meant to be a part of and interrupting, desperately trying to push myself beyond those scared limits and interact with others.  I have been raised to keep everything inside and if something is bothering you hide it because that is week.  So I hide it and I hide it very well.  I struggle with talking to new people for fear I will scare them away or say the wrong thing.  

When I go through these wonderful delights of negative thinking sometimes it is easy to roll through but this bout was quite a doozy.  I struggle with who I am and being comfortable expressing that person.  Sometimes it is easier to hide and hibernate.  I know that my health is the key to my success and my happiness.  I want to open up to others but at the same time feel comfortable being me.

My normal attack when I hit these days is to binge on all bad foods, drinks, sleep and self loathing.  However, I noticed that this time I did not fall deep into that hole.  I still made it to Zumba & Yoga and I fought my anger the entire time through Zumba and partial through Yoga.  Yet, no matter how hard I tried to hold on to that self anger I realized mid way through Yoga that I was calm and ok and thought why did I resist so bad.  I stopped doing my 4:30 am 1/2 hour workouts in the morning and I regretted it every day.  I managed to get in something every day, gym, run, water aerobics but I found I was concentrating on what I didn't do rather than what I had accomplished.

I am very thankful for trainers that play my favorite song, husband that cooks me a dinner while I go to the gym, a neighbor to add me to their family gym plan and let me copy a new exercise DVDs program to do in my early am workouts.

I am doing and I am going to get there.  Nampa Fit Studio has given me such a huge gift and I want to repay them back by taking back my life and living strong just as they can see it within me.  Thank you for your belief in me.

At times it is quite difficult to just stay in the moment instead of dwelling on that mountain climb ahead.  I know if I just let go that the journey will unfold into an amazing life I know there is to be lived.